I’m currently writing my dissertation, a process that is simultaneously going better and worse than I anticipated. Writing the dissertation, it seems, brings a lot of my anxieties to the forefront. Finishing the dissertation is symbolic of leaving my program and community, leaving grad school (and my identity as a grad student), moving into the unknown, etc. As such, I tend to get caught up in (and probably invent) a lot of anxieties. To try to mitigate my anxiety when working on big projects, I often have a tendency to set unrealistic goals, which cause more anxiety and lead me to believe that I can’t stop working. So, I keep working, but at some point I’m just spinning my wheels, which causes even more anxiety.
A few weeks ago, I got caught up in this cycle of anxiety. I wasn’t playing any video games at all. I was still messing around with LEGO a bit, but really I wasn’t even doing much with that. I’ve been trying to finish the Ghostbusters set since I got back home from the Christmas holidays. This is a long, long time for me to still be trying to finish a set no matter how big the set is. And, I think the last game I played for sheer fun was LEGO Dimensions back in the fall. Instead, I found myself working or trying to work: working to work. I was also having a lot of anxiety nightmares because I was always thinking about work and thinking about every little thing that has to get done in the next couple of months. So, many details. And, so, I wasn’t sleeping very well. I was waking up already tired.
I wish I could say that I recognized this cycle and worked to just snap out of it, but I didn’t. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago when I played Nevermind for the blog post that I remembered how relaxing it is to play. Games require varying degrees of immersion, but once I am immersed, it typically turns the anxiety off. I found it appropriate to be thinking about anxiety while playing Nevermind because, of course, Nevermind is intended to help players manage their anxiety. But, just playing helps manage my anxiety because the act of playing pulls me out of my own head. Even as I was playing the game and trying to work out how the game knows if I’m anxious or not, I was thinking about the act of being anxious, but I wasn’t thinking about all the things that were actually making me anxious (like my to-do list).
After playing Nevermind, I finally fired up the dusty old Xbox One to see what else I could play. Because I hadn’t played in a while, I had to sit through approximately one million hours of updates, but I finally got it going again. I bought the Midway Retro Gamer Level Pack for LEGO Dimensions, and I’ve since been using it as both reward and as a way to turn my mind off after working all day. And, it’s working. I find I am able to feel productive at the end of the day and then turn it all off and walk away from the work. The Midway Retro Gamer pack is a sheer delight. Not only do I get to play through what feels like a typical LEGO game, I get to play through various retro games. I have often expressed mixed feelings about LEGO video games, but they are fun, and they still force me to think of something other than work.
I’ve always been a big advocate for down time. The entire time I’ve been in my PhD program, I’ve carried a piece of advice from a former mentor. She told me not to let the program take over my life. It’s hard advice to follow at times, especially at the more intense moments like writing the dissertation and graduating, but it’s critical for me to keep in mind. I know if I just work all the time, I end up spinning my wheels, which is work without any meaningful production. So, I’m trying to be more mindful on a day-to-day basis of when I’m just working to work, instead of working to produce.
