Two Weeks Without A Keyboard: What I Learned From Reflecting on #GamerGate, Feminist Work, and Video Games Without the Internet

I usually try not to get all emotional in my posts, but I just couldn’t help it with my topic this week. Hopefully you, reader, can enjoy and do a little reflecting on your own.

I recently spent two weeks without the Internet. I competed in the 2015 PDGA Amateur World Championships (Frisbee golf, for the uninitiated). Amidst a beautiful lake, cabins shared by some of the best people I ever have met, and fierce (not so fierce from my end) competition in the fierce (yes, fierce) sun, I spent a lot of time reflecting on the things I have spent my career, my 20s, and my free time pursuing. Video games are not simply a casual hobby for me; nor is writing for NYMG something I take lightly. When we started this podcast and blog over four years ago we were faced with a disheartening and demoralizing landscape. We thought we could make a difference for women in video games. We thought we could make a difference for women in all technical or STEM-based fields. By having a venue for the voices of academic, well researched, and thoughtful women, we thought we could change things for the better. I don’t know if we’ve accomplished any of it, and I’m not entirely sure we aren’t destroying ourselves in the process.

On Writing in the Games Community

I’ve seen writers come and go at NYMG, often ending up disillusioned by the overwhelming and constant vitriol, hate, anger, and abuse we face 1) as women who game and now 2) as women who critique games and gaming culture. We all here have had sleepless nights after one of our posts got picked up by media sources and/or 4chan/Reddit/8-chan/some other echo chamber of hate. The culture of fear created by #GG is very real. I don’t care if you really think it’s about ethics and journalism, or if you think we bitches are just making this all up because we are hysterical, there is a very frightening feeling I—and I’m sure others—face every week when we hit that publish button. Will my post end up on Reddit this week? Will it get retweeted and tagged as #GG? Just how many comments will I have to block because they threaten me? Writing in the games community is fucking hard. It’s hard to come up with content every week for 4+ years, particularly when that content is usually centered around some awful thing happening to women, or yourself, in the games community. It would be so fun to write about sparkles and rainbows and jolly giants, but that’s not usually what happens.

On Scholarship and Feminism

I’ve seen amazing support from other feminist scholars, and women at NYMG supporting each other. But too often I see more criticism than support: you’re doing feminism wrong; you shouldn’t talk about this without knowing X, Y, and Z; look at this terrible article on this blog; oh of course they picked HER article up. Even at NYMG we have been ignored by prominent feminist media critics. Why? Maybe it’s because the field is diverse and we aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe it’s because we are competition. Maybe it’s because for some people we can be threatening. For anyone who thinks that being a woman in academia puts us into some club where we all cite each other and braid each other’s hair all day, you’re high off your ass. Feminists are the most critical of each other because we know just how high the stakes are. As I’m in the beginning stages of my career I often feel marginalized and judged as inadequate by other feminist media studies scholars in a way male scholars never make me feel. Does this make us stronger as a field? Do I depend on the guidance, however critical, of seasoned scholars to be better? Of course. But that doesn’t mean that when you’re getting threats from the community you are working to help and sneered at by the folks you share ideology with that you don’t begin to lose a little spark. What I think we need as feminist media scholars is a much better framework to support each other, and more importantly, support those who are doing this work but not necessarily in academia. We might have nuanced ideological differences, but if we are only ever in our own pods, talking to our own people, without interacting except to point out deficiencies, we are in trouble.

On Escaping in Games

Sometimes the reality of just how bad things are paralyzes me. I can’t pick up a controller or turn on my PC. I saw a colleague who does similar work not get tenure recently because her work was not respected by a traditional university. When you face constant critique from fellow theorists, a lack of support from an institutional perspective, and threats and vitriol from within the community, I think the “fun” of it all begins to slip away. We aren’t children playing children’s games, and our adversaries aren’t either. I have been playing a ton of board games these last few weeks, even joining up with a girls’ gaming group. I hope that the balance of f2f gaming helps alleviate some of the negative we see here online daily. I hope that this balance can restore that coveted escaping effect that has always made games so near and dear to my heart.

So why keep writing? I know we have all asked ourselves this many times, and if you’ve made it to the end of my post, I imagine the question resonates with you as well. There are things that make it worth it, I think. Sam and Alisha’s project Invisibility Blues got funded, and then some. Allies from all over the Internet spoke up through their blogs, Facebook posts, tweets, and wallets to support the project. Once in awhile a fellow NYMG writer (usually Charlotte ;D ) will say they were particularly moved by a post I wrote. That always helps. Patreon helps Sam defray some of the financial burden she faces as the sole spender to keep NYMG afloat, and it’s wonderful knowing people care enough about what NYMG does to donate monthly.

But are we making a difference in the community? Things seem so much worse now than four years ago (which I would not have believed to be possible). But are they? Or are there simply more people talking about the issues, reporting them, and standing up for the abused? Are people like #GG-ers finding themselves suddenly in the minority against a throng of voices that demand equality and respect? I had a conversation with someone I hadn’t met before while I was at PDGA AM Worlds. He is a gamer, and he knew all about #GamerGate, Quinn, Saarkesian, and everything that has been happening to women gamers. That conversation would not have happened four years ago (obvs. that was before #GG, but as far as knowing how difficult it is for women gamers). There was just as much if not more harassment then, but no one talked about it. Meeting a stranger outside of academia who sees how fucked up these things are is so encouraging. In the end, I guess we will just keep pounding away on our keyboards and hope that we reach more gamers like that.