I spent most of my early life thinking my father would have really rather have had a boy. I thought this for a variety of reasons, but when I talked about it, he would always vehemently deny it. (And he hates it when I talk about this, so if you are reading this, Dad, keep reading; I think I finally get it.) I am his only child, and he wanted to name me Charlie, which is the nickname a lot of my family still uses, so I assumed that meant having a girl was something of a disappointment to him. Later, I learned that it wasn’t Charlie that he wanted to name me, but Charli, after the cheesy perfume commercials. But, his middle name is Charles, so I always thought he wanted a namesake. A namesake that wasn’t a girl.
There were other things too, like how he not only allowed my interests in “boy” toys, but actively encouraged them. I played with LEGO, which is of course my fondest toy memory, but I also played with Transformers and Hot Wheels, and Barbies. I played with everything, and I was a little spoiled in that respect. But, he encouraged it, so I thought he wanted a boy. What I didn’t understand was that he just gets really excited about his interests and wants to share them. I remember every day after school, I would watch the Pink Panther cartoon show, and every day he would come in and get all excited thinking it was the Pink Panther movie and try to record it. He never believed me when I said it was just the cartoon AGAIN. For a time, it was just me and him on some nights, I think my mom was working or taking classes. We took turns picking the movie or show we would watch. I always wanted to watch Nine to Five. He had more varied interests, but I remember we watched a lot ofThe Greatest American Hero and really anything else with super heros. I remember his excitement when he brought the Atari home, and he wanted to share that with me.
As I grew older, he continued to try to draw me into his interests. In my early twenties, it was computers and programming. These were interests I legitimately shared, but I still assumed because they were “male” occupations that this was simply more evidence that he really would have rather had a boy. When I built my first computer, he laughed because I left out the very critical spacers and shorted out my first motherboard. I was so mad because I assumed he thought if I had been a boy, I wouldn’t have made these mistakes.
But over time, I’ve realized that his hoping I would share his interests was just that: a dad hoping his kid would share his interests. He says he always wanted a girl, and I’m sure that is both true and not true in the sense that I think he now thinks he wanted a girl because he got a girl. If he had gotten a boy instead, I’m sure he would be saying the opposite. The truth, I think, is simply that he wanted a kid and he wanted that kid to share his interests.
I’m much older now, but he still gets pretty excited about sharing his latest interests with me, whether it’s the new movie he can’t wait to see or the new gadget he can’t wait to share with me. And, tonight I realized that it was never about what he did or didn’t do. My perception that he wanted a boy came from society, not him. It came from society because I knew that LEGO and Hot Wheels were “boy” toys, but he let me play with them. It came from society because when I expressed an interest in computers, I knew that was a “boy” thing.
It was never him. In fact, he has always encouraged me to like what I like. Of course, he also did and still does hope I like what he likes, as well. He wanted to share all of his interests with me. He never stopped to consider if his interests were for “boys” or “girls,” he just wanted to share them with me. Society taught me that I was only supposed to do certain things, but he never cared about that. Because he never cared, I assumed that meant he wanted a boy. The other day, I was talking about my upcoming graduation, and I jokingly said, “if I start talking about going back to school, please don’t let that happen.” He said, “If you start talking about going back to school, I’m just going to encourage you to go because I’m always just going to want you to do what makes you happy.” And, that’s it. It took me a long time, but I finally realized that my dad just wanted to share his world with me, and society made me believe that some things were for boys and other things were for girls, so therefore my dad wanted a boy, but that was never true.
