Wanting to be Heard, Not Attacked

Earlier this week, I got into a Facebook “discussion” over this video. Great video, you should watch it, if you haven’t already. But, I knew as soon as I first saw it that sooner or later someone was going to make a comment about how the woman is dressed. When it happened, my inner “that” girl wanted out because it’s so frustrating to constantly hear that the woman is to blame for harassment and assault. Because, you see, men can’t help themselves when women dress like that, and anyway she was asking for it.

That argument “men can’t help themselves” is bullshit, and it’s offensive to both genders. I find it hard to believe that men want to be seen as weak beings unable to control themselves in the face of a little skin. I know plenty of men that can and do control themselves. So, what is it that makes the whole “she was asking for it” argument so attractive to a lot of people? Maybe it’s simply a defense mechanism. Maybe people feel like if they own up to the problem, and say, “you know what? She probably wasn’t asking for it, the harasser was way out of line,” then they have to admit that perhaps they are part of the problem also. Maybe the fear of individual responsibility keeps people from seeing the very real problems that women face everyday.

At least that’s the feeling I got during this particular Facebook exchange. I understand and acknowledge that Facebook is not really an efficient or effective medium to be having this conversation through. But, sometimes, I’m not sure what else to do. I’ve had the same conversation in person with people, often with the same disappointing results. In this particular case, the person I was discussing with eventually gave up; and with a quick, dismissive reply, he was finished with the conversation. I felt utterly depressed and somewhat defeated by that. If we can’t even talk about it, then how will we ever hope to address the casual acceptance of harassment and assault in our culture?

The “that” girl in me has a hard time letting offensive comments slide, whether online or in person because I hope that maybe this one time I will be able to reach someone. If not the person I’m talking to, then maybe I can reach someone who is reading or listening nearby. I also feel like maybe if I keep repeating myself, someone will listen. This has somewhat worked for me in the past; the repeated messages have gradually changed someone’s thinking. Gradually, but still I have seen a change.

It’s disheartening, though, when people just refuse to listen. They are right and you are wrong. Period. The end. I’m not perfect, but I do try to listen. By listening, I know I can get a different perspective and perhaps come to view an issue that is bothering someone else in a different way. But, this has also caused me to reflect on and confront my own listening habits. Am I a good listener? Do I “hear” what others are saying? I don’t know. Probably not as much as I want to, although, I think certainly more than I did a few years ago. I’m slowly learning to stop becoming defensive when I hear those stories that are different from mine. I get so frustrated when I am not given that same courtesy in return. If we can’t get people to even listen, then things will never improve, and might continue to degrade, as we see in recent stories about Alabama and Texas.

I don’t know the answers. I don’t even know how to get people to listen. To say, “hey, maybe I don’t know everything. Maybe this person is making a good point, even if it’s something I haven’t experienced for myself.” I so often read or hear that people are sick of hearing about this. I wish people would, in fact, stop “hearing” it and instead listen and actually consider what I say. In retrospect, I should have been happy with the quick, dismissive reply because later the commenter came back with an unbelievably vicious attack, calling someone an “ugly whore.” He quickly deleted it, but it was still out there for a minute. People scare me, but this is why we have to keep the conversation going.